The results are in

Thank you to everyone who voted in yesterday's poll. The results are in!

• 62% of people believe that I will complete my story and finish writing 50,000 words
• 25% of people believe that I will write 50,000 words but won't have finished the story
• 12% of people believe that I will have a finished story -- of less than 50,000 words
• 0% of people believe that I won't finish my story or reach 50,000 words

It's really encouraging for me to know that everyone believes I'll at least partly achieve the month's aim, with no one selecting the final option of an incomplete story and less than 50,000 words.

To maintain some suspense and drama as the end draws near, with tomorrow being the 31st of April, I will not give an exact word count here. But I will give these clues:

• I've written more than 45,000 words
• I have some idea of how my story might end

Whatever the final outcome, I'm grateful to everyone this past month for supporting me in my writing and also in my recovery. It's been a very long month -- and it's not over yet!

Now back to writing...

A new poll

You'll see that a new poll has been added to the blog. Voting closes tomorrow morning so cast your vote now!

Voting is anonymous so I can't disown those people of little faith, don't worry.

With the 31st of April just around the corner, I'd better get back to the story... Only 3 writing days left!

Patterns of behaviour

Yesterday, as I was putting a gold star on my 'Mighty Novel Progress Log' I realised that every single Friday and Saturday so far has been a *gold star* day for me. With only 11 gold star days, 8 of them have been on a Friday or Saturday. Now I'm wondering if Fridays and Saturdays are always my most productive days or if this is just a novel-writing fluke?

The other 3 gold star days have been spread out with one on a Sunday, one on a Monday, and one on a Thursday.

The interesting thing about Thursday though is that the other 3 Thursdays have all been *zero* days -- meaning that I've not done any writing at all!  Perhaps the fact that most of my Thursdays have been so unproductive has inspired my Fridays to be so productive (the pressure of procrastination!).

The other low-productivity days are Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I've never had a gold star on a Tuesday or a Wednesdsay. And the total word counts for these days is paltry.

So this is all very interesting but with only a few days left, I can't afford to have any low-productivity days! It needs to be gold stars all the way...

And just to avoid any confusion later down the line, I will finish here by reminding everyone what you should already know: April has 31 days!

The pressure of procrastination

Today is the first day of the final week. The card for Day 24 is about procrastination. It reads:

Procrastination, I think, gets a bad rap. To start a project and see it through to completion, we need the pressure and sense of urgency procrastination provides. [...] So if you've been letting yourself fall behind on your novel, it's okay. You're just allowing the pressure to build, waiting for the do-or-die moment to arrive before you throw yourself into the book with everything you've got. A note to all procrastinators, though: That moment starts today.

This card was definitely written for me. I'm very behind in my writing. So I'd better get busy...!

Happy Birthday, Amanda

Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday Dear Amanda
Happy Birthday To You!

Lots of love on your special day!

If anyone doesn't know who Amanda is, you can follow her on her blog.

In need of some KA-POW

I managed just over a 1,000 words today, which is about ten times as many as yesterday. So that's a good thing! But it's of course nowhere near as many as I need to make up the lost ground (and also not enough for a gold star).

There is a distinct lack of enthusiasm for my story creeping in to my writing. I need something exciting to happen next, to bring the story back to life for me. To fill it with colour and KA-POW. My story arc has been slowly building but it feels like it's been building up to nothing.

I guess this is why most people write with a plan or a structure in mind -- unlike me who allows her fingers to make up the drama on a whim.  My climax is still a complete mystery to me.  I'm hoping my fingers will have a magical intervention overnight and come up with some KA-POW in the morning. Fingers crossed!

Blocked

After a successful writing day yesterday (Patricia got a rescue dog, avoided seeing her brother, and divulged the family secret to Paul. And I got a gold star!), today... well, today, I've barely managed to squeeze out a paltry 111 words and I have nowhere to go.

Previously, my fingers just moved and out came the story. Effortless! But today? Today my fingers are poised on the keyboard, ready on the home row... and NOTHING!

Hopefully tomorrow proves more fruitful as I am already about 6,000 words behind where I should be.

Two journeys. And forgetting to be grateful but then writing a blog post which helps you to remember

So far, this month has been one of two journeys.

The first is the obvious journey from hospital to home, from surgery to recovery. I'm finding this to be a tougher journey than I expected. But nowhere near as bad as so many other people's journeys and I feel guilty to complain here for what are, indeeed, very minor complaints. Feeling uncomfortable. Finding it difficult to sneeze, cough, or belly-ache laugh. Not sleeping very well. Being oh so tired. All a bit sorry for myself really! And I hate feeling sorry for myself because I know that so many people in the world are so worse off than me.

In fact, I should be feeling the complete opposite of sorry for myself. I should be grateful every second of every day for the NHS. So incredibly grateful for the amazing surgeon and doctors. Grateful for the absolutely phenomenal professionalism and complete compassion of the nurses (please please please if you know any nurses, give them a huge massive hug RIGHT NOW). Grateful for the especially overly generous, loving, and outstanding care from the Hopkins. Grateful for the utterly-unable-to-ever-thank-properly, day-in-day-out-putting-up-with-me, deep love, and never-ending support from Paddy. And, of course, grateful for having such a wide circle of comfort and encouragement from beautiful friends and family who have sent texts, read / commented on this blog, made phone calls, posted cards, sent absolutely gorgeous flowers and a fruit basket, and been able to come and visit me. See, I am one very very very lucky lady.


Actually, writing this blog post is really helping me to snap out of my 'feeling sorry for myself' self. It's helpful to remember that the 'oh poor me I'm not healing as quickly as I would like' self is not a very attractive self. And it's a self that is completely overlooking all of the people that I am so grateful to have in my life, and also the actual medical advancements that I have to be grateful for. Grateful to be born in 1981 and not 1881. Grateful that in a few weeks this will all be a distant memory as I go forward on yet another journey - the one called 'The Rest of My Life' where anything is possible.

As to my second journey this month, having the book to write has kept me half-way sane at a time when it's easy to focus on the small details and forget the grand scheme. I'm a bit behind in my words. Today I crossed the 23,000 mark. So I'm making progress. And every day that I write (I haven't quite been writing every day), my characters keep surprising me which is quite fun! It actually feels like someone else is writing the book and my fingers are just the conduit. So I will continue on this journey to see where we all end up (me and my characters).

The Basics

A few people have been asking what my book is about. So here is a little taster...

Who? Three siblings

What? The sharing of a secret

Where? Ontario, Canada

When? Mainly from the 1990s to present day

Why? To explore identity, authenticity, and relationships

How? Over Christmas dinner, as well as all that went before and all that comes after

The epiphany lives on

Today is Day Thirteen and I'm feeling good -- despite having my worst night post-hospital and being very grumpy this morning!

I'm feeling good because the writing is coming to me so easily. And this is purely down to my continued epiphany attitude (growth mindset!). Instead of thinking 'this is good' or 'this is bad' I'm thinking about the future.

So I may write something that I particularly like and think 'oh, I really like the way that I did that'. Go me!

Or I may write paragraph after paragraph of terribly boring explanation and suddenly think 'oh, I'm definitely telling and not showing. I should be mindful to move things along with action rather than explanation.' But I'm not sitting around beating myself up for the 'bad' writing. I'm not lamenting how crap I am (even though I know that I'm churning out a lot of crap!). Instead of anguishing over 'bad' writing, I simply change course and continue in a different direction. Moving forward in a positive way!

It's about practise, trying new things, learning, coming up with new ideas, and taking note of the things that I'll do differently next time.

All of this fits in very well with the card for Day Thirteen:

with each day of writing you're developing the kind of thickened skin and world-wise writing experience that will serve  you well for the rest of your life.

Touching the Void

The card for Day Twelve was inspired by the film Touching the Void. For anyone who hasn't seen it, it's the true-life tale of Joe Simpson who fell hundreds of feet when descending a mountain in Peru, landing on a ledge overlooking the maw of an ice crevasse.

I won't say anything further here, but if you'd like to borrow the film we have a copy on DVD and it's definitely worth watching.

Yesterday was a gold star day (and would have been my mum's 68th birthday). Today is close to gold star. But not quite...

Half and Half

So today is Day Ten. Half the days so far have been gold star days (including today) and half have been no gold star (including two 'zero' days).

You may also have noticed that the poll has closed with half of people preferring third person narratives and the other half preferring first person. This person has decided she prefers third person.

And as my novel is all about learning, growing, and trying out new writing techniques... I've decided to switch mid-way through to third person. So from about 12,000 words onwards my novel will be in third person. I'm already glad that I made the switch as I'm finding the third person so much easier! Phew!

Two in the morning epiphany

Today is the last day of the first week. And it's been a difficult week for me. I've had so many thoughts about writing a 'bad' book and what's the point of finishing my book when it's a piece of crap anyway. I've battled with these thoughts, focussing on the card from Day Three. Just get through it. Just show yourself that you don't quit everything, that you can complete this book.

But there is more to being a Growth person than not quitting. It's the attitude. And my attitude is still firmly in the Fixed mindset (65% talent + 35% effort = 100% success). With my Fixed mindset, I kept thinking how this book will prove how untalented and truly rubbish I am. The only reason I'm continuing with the book is to demonstrate that I can stick something out until the end. To show I'm not a failure. 

WAIT!!!!

That is not the voice of a Growth mindset person (65% effort + 35% talent = 100% success).

The Growth person (aka the new Nicola) would think:

'Okay, great, so I've never written a book before! What a wonderful opportunity to practise my writing and see improvements over a short period of time. This is a really safe space to try new things. And imagine all of the things that I'm going to learn through this experience! Imagine all the new ideas that I'll have while writing this book that I can use in the future. Imagine all of the things that I'll do differently the next time that I write a book.'

So my new mantra is not focussed on pure completion. It's about practise, trying new things, learning, coming up with new ideas, and taking note of the things that I'll do differently next time.

It's not about whether my book is good or bad. It doesn't matter if people have high expectations for me or low ones. It doesn't matter if I want to write the best book in the world but fear it is the worst. All that matters is that I'm learning as I go along. That I'm taking every opportunity to hone new ideas and to think about my future writing and how I might improve based on these experiences.

Finally I feel like I'm beginning to truly understand what it means to have a Growth mindset.

Just so we're all clear...

Yesterday I wrote zero words. Today I wrote 1,224 and am now over the 10,000 mark. This is good but it's no gold star.

I have been faltering under the pressure to write a great book. Just so we're all clear, the book I'm writing is not great. It's not even mediocre. It's most likely shit. But it's my book and I'm writing it. And for that reason alone, I will continue. Just to show that I can see something through to the end. Even something that I know isn't brilliant. Something that isn't going to show me up in an amazing light. But something that I can say that I accomplished all the same.

The cards for Day Six and Day Seven were about 'going wild' and 'skeletons in the closet.' But the card that helped me through these past two days is still Day Three:

Abandon the stultifying notion of brilliance and aim instead for the low mark of completion.

Uh oh!

Today was not a gold star day.

Borrowing

Today's card was about borrowing. The suggestion was to go and find a few of your favourite books, have a read through them, and then borrow from their style in your writing today.

So this morning I picked a few of my favourites off of the bookshelf and began to read. What I noticed is they were all written in the third-person whereas my novel is written in the first-person. Also, they all have much more description than my novel does.

Enter: PANIC MODE!

I went back to my book and started to change it all from first-person to third-person. But with nearly 8,000 words this was quickly presenting quite the challenge. It's not as simple as going from one tense to the other. It changes the whole feel of the book. So I scrapped that idea and have decided to stick with my first-person story. I refer back to the card for Day Three: Abandon the stultifying notion of brilliance and aim instead for the low mark of completion.

As to being more descriptive, there probably is something in that. So I'll be mindful in my writing today to not rush ahead too quickly. To stop, to pause, to describe.

But as to borrowing itself -- when I think about borrowing, I think back to my younger days when I would 'borrow' clothes from my sister. The thing is though that they'd always look better on her. So perhaps the question is, do I want to write my own book or do I want to write an ill-fitting version of someone else's?

George

So yesterday was another gold star day, beating the daily word goal of 1,667 and taking my total word count to 5,993. I've also got some ideas for the next few days to keep me going. Not sure after that, but one day at a time. One day at a time!

The card for Day Four is the least inspiring so far - it's about character names. But my characters already have their names. And as I introduce new characters, I'm sure that I'll manage to give them names too. Naming things is rather fun!

When I was in high school, I always said that if I had a child of my own that I would name the baby Oven. I thought as a word - as a name - it was a great sound. If you could just disassociate it from the object that it is commonly associated with. Perhaps easier said than done! So I don't think I'll name any of my characters Oven.

As of yesterday, we have been cat-sitting for our neighbour. The cat is called George. It's made me think about whether any of the characters in my book should have a cat. Or a dog. Or a pigeon (ours is called Walter). Are my characters pet kind of people? Did they have a pet when they were children? A hamster that got lost in the house? Or a gold fish who was found floating at the top of its bowl? Or maybe a cat called George...!

Just keep pedalling

Yesterday I wrote a massive 3,162 words. This takes my grand total to 4,078. And it means I earned my first gold star. (And Rebecca doesn't get her toilet cleaned, sorry babe!).

Here's what I learned from yesterday's marathon writing experience:

1. I can write 3,162 words in a day and still fit in my naps.
2. It's difficult to write 3,162 words in a day and I should not aim for this on most days.
3. It's best to try to always meet the 1,667 daily goal so that I don't feel pressure to make up the amount the next day. 1,667 is more achievable than anything beyond 1,667.
4.  I will write some absolute drivel.
5. I just have to keep pedalling.

It's gone noon and I'm still in bed. The uncomfortable sleeping of someone with a broken sternum isn't really helping and I fear that I may be getting a bit down.  It's okay to feel this way and it's definitely okay to rest. But it's not okay to use either of these things as an excuse to quit.

I have quit so many things in my life. I'm a real hobby junkie.  I will not quit this.  The subject of quitting will surely come back at another date when I'm truly feeling tempted. It's then that I'll bore you with my favourite topic of fixed / growth mindsets. Today is only Day Three and I cannot really entertain the idea.

But I will mention one thing about quitting. In Grade Ten, I quit French after only one week of attending the class. And of all the things that I've quit, this is the one that I'm most pleased with. Instead of French, I took up Keyboarding. Now I type on average 85 words a minute. This makes typing 1,667 words much easier. In theory, it means I should be able to complete my daily goal in less than twenty minutes. I find this knowledge reassuring.

Day Three card reads: Abandon the stultifying notion of brilliance and aim instead for the low mark of completion.

No gold star, toilet cleaning and omens

The bad news is that I didn't meet the daily goal of 1,667 words yesterday. No gold star for me! It also means that Paddy is able to redeem his "Onerosity" Coupon for toilet cleaning.

The good news is that I've started my novel. Day One finished with 916 words in the tank.

The kit recommends trying to exceed the daily goal throughout most of Week One as it's viewed as the easiest week for getting words down.  So I have much to cover today!

Before my heart surgery, we were looking around for - and finding - many omens. We found these signs to be reassuring. Then, whilst in hospital, Pip leant me the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho which was all about omens -- and even contained a few very strong ones for me.  I mention all of this because this morning the card for Day Two reads like another omen:

Writing a novel is like working with clay. You first create a rough shape, then massage that shape into something beautiful, such as an ashtray or a fearsome army of worms. Unlike potters, though, who can simply buy clay at the art supply store, novelists have to pull off the supernatural feat of creating their clay with their minds. It's an amazing accomplishment, really, and it's also why postponing judgment of your work until the end of your first draft is so important. What you started producing yesterday is noveling clay -- valuable, essential, and invariably lumpy. Its beauty will grow as you work with it.

After I had finished my 916 words yesterday evening, Paddy and I went for my little walk as part of the 'building back up my strength' regime. I told Paddy what my book was about and he said that the first draft was like creating a sculpture from clay. And then we joked that actually I'm building the clay itself. What you started producing yesterday is noveling clay. These were almost word for word our own words on yesterday's walk.  I love omens.

Day One

So it's day one!  Well, it's probably actually day 3,339 as it's nearly ten years since I was given this novel writing kit (by my amazingly awesome friend Amber).  I always loved the idea of writing a novel but the execution has been something else (or nothing else, to be more exact).

But finally the time has come (helped along by a little bit of heart bypass machine + life support = a couple of months off of work).

So, as I was saying... it's day one!

I haven't yet signed the noveling affidavit but I'm waiting for my friend Lotte to visit this afternoon so she can witness it. I have read the booklet (or as much as I'm allowed to, including Week One - hence starting this blog).  And I have also read today's card:

"Not knowing where to begin is a common form of paralysis. Begin anywhere." - Bruce Mau

Wise words, especially for me since I have no idea what I'm going to write about. Zip. Zero. Nadda. Which makes the badge I'm wearing today quite laughable. But evenso, I was disappointed when the Sainsbury's delivery person this morning didn't ask about my novel.  Paddy asked what I was going to write about and I pointed to the title of the kit. My cousin Jen popped by with her two little boys and she asked as well. My answer was to ask her for plot ideas but she didn't have any. She did say she'd like to read the novel at the end of the month. So at least she believes I'll get there.  I like believers.